Only Two Days Left of Radiation
11/11/2003

Two weeks since my last update...three things have been swirling around my head lately (no pun intended): hair, fatigue, and fear.

Hair:
Nothing new to report on that front besides there is less of it - my hair is now almost gone. I have a couple of very cute hats, and when I get a compliment I laugh to myself and think, "if they only knew the REAL reason I have to wear this hat and if they could only see what was going on underneath". I suppose I can only get away with the hats looking cute because I have a little bit of hair in front and a little in the back. That's pretty much it.

Fatigue and Fear:
I am in the height of the fatigue, it has a serious hold on me. I try to keep in perspective that in two short months I have had brain surgery, gamma knife, chemo, and radiation. My poor body!

In truth, I have been experiencing a bout of depression and incredible fear. I am trying to find a balance between gathering information to be armed for the next phase post radiation (most easily done on the internet and very scary) and not looking at the statistics. They are very hard to seperate. Actually, I don't think I can. The truth is that only 2-3% of all glioblastoma patients make it to 5 years. No one wants to admit that there is a possibility that I may not be in the 2-3%, especailly not me. Five years is simply too short of time. The past two weeks have been filled with moments of extreme fear, the likes of which I have never known before. Crying and gripping on to Erik for dear life. I think about Erik being without me and the children we may never have. Then I think about the time that I have (believing I will be in the 2-3%, it still is only 5 years), what do I do with it?? How does one live a lifetime in 5 years? I would like to blame this phase on the fatigue and realize I am very tired and vulnerble right now. I truly hope that is all that it is. Although, I would imagine anyone who has to face a grave illness must go through the "fear" stage. I am trying to just live through it, experience it, and look forward to coming out stronger and more positive.

I know this all may seem very private, I only share this with everyone because I am trying to face the truth that this is where I am at this moment and may be for some time. I haven't returned calls, emails, send thank you cards, etc., and may not for some time. I have not been a very good friend to people lately - I have missed birthday's, showers, christings. I can't seem to put this all away long enough to interact with people, it's been difficult to think of anything but cancer. I hope everyone understands. Our goal is for me to be healthy and rejoining life at the very least by the new year.

Erik ensures me that all moments are transitory and will pass, I believe him. He is the true reason I am able to cope with this at all. Not many things make sense to me lately, but I do know one thing for sure, Erik has been sent to me from above.

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